Musician Gab

Frozen, if you can remember anything beyond that fucking song, was loosely based on a Hans Christian Andersen story from the 1800s. Or that's what Disney wants you to think. In reality, or at least in the reality that Isabella Tanikumi lives in, Frozen is a blatant ripoff of her 2010 autobiography, appropriately titled Living My Truth.

By now you're probably recalling how Frozen featured magic, a talking snowman, and several elaborate musical numbers. But any thieving hack can invent supplementary details like those. Only a true artist can invent the elements that Tanikumi claimed Disney stole, including the fact that both stories take place in a village at the base of a snow-covered mountain, feature loving sisters who are close in age, and use open gates as metaphors. Perhaps the biggest gotcha is that both stories contain a key scene set under the moon, because we all know that only the bravest artists use the moon in their work, while most fear and shun it.

Tanikumi sued for $250 million and the immediate cessation of sales of all Frozen merchandise, which at their peak represented 37 percent of America's GDP. Because honestly, what's more likely? That Disney injected some common tropes and their own trademark style into a fairy tale, or that a gigantic corporation capable of employing as many writers as its black heart desires stumbled across a book self-published in Peru and decided that they had to steal this groundbreaking idea about sisters who go on an adventure?

Walt Disney Pictures"I rode in a sleigh once, this is plagiarism! ... Well, a bus, but close enough."

Now, there is a whole genre of frivolous lawsuit wherein the creator of an obscure work will sue the creator of a popular work to get free publicity (a small army of hacks sued J.K. Rowling for the attention). But given that Tanikumi's books aren't easily available, she's been going on about this for years, and she's been alleging that Facebook is suppressing her rambling demands for justice, she appears to be a true believer.

On one hand, her claims are beyond inane, and while the government keeps reminding us that we're not legal experts, it seems like the ruling should obviously be in Disney's favor. On the other hand, Disney responded to the suit by telling Tanikumi to "let it go," so we demand that the courts award her a billion dollars.